Mephisto discusses religious freedom with Faust

Mephisto : Ah, dear Faust, I'm so glad to see you.

Faust : And you too, my dear colleague. I have brought sticky buns for us both to enjoy.

M : How thoughtful of you. Before we enjoy them, perhaps we could spend a little time having a discourse about life?

F : Why, of course, if you wish it to be so.

M : I do, I really do. I find myself more than a little confused dear colleague, and that is not a comfortable place to be.

F : Indeed it is not dear Mephisto, perhaps I might help you with your considerations?

M : Why, thank you dear Faust, I am most appreciative. Could I, perhaps, start by asking whether you believe in religious freedom or not?

F : Why, of course I do dear Mephisto, why would I not?

M : Ah, yes, why would you not? Indeed, perhaps that is the crux of the matter, not to mention the crucifix of the matter.

F : I would like to beg your pardon dear Mephisto, perhaps you could explain a little further?

M : I shall try dear colleague, I shall try. Here are two recent problems which have been troubling me. One is about a Muslim lady, called Aishah Azmi , she has been banned from wearing the niqab while teaching in a British junior school. The other is about a Christian lady, called Nadia Eweida , who has been banned by British Airways from wearing her Christian cross necklace at work.

F : I see, and might I ask why they have been sacked or banned?

M : Yes, indeed you might for this, I fear, is the crux of the problem. Ms. Azmi did not wear her Niqab when she attended for interview for the job of teaching assistant at the school in question, she only began wearing it once she had been given the job. The school in question decided that she was allowed to wear it in the corridors of the school or in the staff room, where she might come into contact with adult males, but that she should remove it in the classroom. Ms Azmi says that she was very happy with this arrangement and agreed to do just this, but male colleagues regularly entered her classroom, thus making it impossible for her to leave her veil off.

F : Ah, yes, this would be a problem, I really do see that. Could the school have ensured that no adult male colleagues entered any room in which she was teaching whilst not wearing the niqab?

M : Indeed of course they could dear Faust, but they didn't. But then we come to Ms. Eweida who was asked to make sure her Christian cross necklace was not visible. She refused. British Airways therefore asked her to go home and not return.

F : Why couldn't she wear it under her blouse?

M : This is an excellent question dear Faust, why indeed. Because she refused to.

F : But why did she refuse to dear Mephisto?

M : Because she said that Sikh's were allowed to wear turbans and certain Muslim ladies were allowed to wear either Sari's or 'punjabi trouser suits' (salwar kameez's) and so therefore she felt that she should be allowed to wear her cross as visibly as they wore their turban's and punjabi's.

F : Yes, I do see that dear Mephisto, but the turban and the salwar kameez cannot be hidden, a Christian cross necklace can . Surely that is the difference?

M : You would think so, wouldn't you dear colleague, you would really think so. But no, apparently this is a religious debate. Both ladies are taking their employers to court over this.

F : Are they? Golly, someone will have to find an answer then, won't they dear Mephisto?

M : Ah, dear sweet Faust, I see you are still bound by the chains of your mortal soul, no, they won't find an answer, they will turn it into a 'clash of civilisations' debate. The two ladies will be forgotten about and another discussion will then ensue. The human race is so very predictable.

F : Oh dear, oh very dear, I fear you are right dear friend, what on earth could I do to assist my fellow human's being?

M : I would advise you to do nothing dear colleague. They will argue, they will fight, they will sabre rattle but, in the end, nothing will change. They like living in such situations, it's part of their human condition. There is nothing, I fear, that even a dear soul such as yourself can do about it.

F : Well, in that case, shall we eat the sticky buns now?

M : Yes, let us do that, dear colleague.

Mephisto discusses the DPRK with Faust (North Korea)

Mephisto : Ah, dear Faust, there you are, I've been looking for you.

Faust : Have you dear colleague, well, here I am. What is troubling you?

M : I was wondering if you had had any thoughts about North Korea?

F : Well, yes, as it happens, I have. Do you think they genuinely tested a nuclear weapon?

M : Stranger things have happened dear Faust, stranger things have happened.

F : Yes, but isn't it just possible that the explosion was caused by something other than nuclear weapons?

M : Yes, dear colleague, indeed it is. But you'd need an awful lot of hand grenades to make that kind of impact above ground.

F : Indeed. Possibly we should be grateful that they have not attempted atmospheric testing?

M : Indeed we should dear Faust. But what do you think we should do?

F : Us, dear Mephisto? I wasn't aware we were going to do anything at all.

M : No, no, I mean how should we, as the international community, respond to this act of blatant naughtiness by a recalcitrant nation?

F : In the way we always do I suppose. Some finger wagging?

M : Yes, indeed, indeed. But there is one little problem with finger wagging.

F : And what is that dear Mephisto?

M : Well, you see dear colleague, it achieves very little. Have you perchance seen the draft UN resolution which was drawn up today by the Americans?

F : Why no, I can't say I have dear Mephisto. What does it say?

M : It's not so much what it says dear colleague, I am more concerned about the use of Chapter 7.

F : Chapter 7?

M : The agreement that military force may be used if conditions are not complied with.

F : Ah, I see. But no country is really going to use military force against the DPRK surely?

M : Stranger things have happened dear Faust. May I tell you something in confidence?

F : Surely you may, please go right ahead.

M : The DPRK have, at this moment in time, a weapon capable of reaching Alaska in one fell swoop.

F : A nuclear weapon?

M : Well, no, probably not, but a conventional weapon certainly.

F : Why don't they have one with nuclear capability, after all, we know they have them now?

M : Reducing the size of nuclear warheads is something which takes time dear Faust. They could have had a nuclear weapon the size of a large house underground yesterday when they caused their explosion. You couldn't fit a large house on the end of a long-range weapon.

F : No, no, I can quite see that. Might I ask why, then, did you mention that they have a weapon which could reach Alaska?

M : Becuase this will upset the American public dear Faust, if they ever find out of course.

F : Making the use of the chapter 7 backing possible?

M : Ah, dear colleague, I see you are keeping up this morning, yes, exactly, quite, quite.

F : Perhaps such a resolution will make Kim Jong-Il pause for a moment and consider the sensibility of his actions?

M : Stranger things have happened dear Faust but consider the possibilities. How long would it take him to flatten Seoul if he felt so disposed?

F : I'm really not sure dear friend.

M : Ten minutes? Half an hour? It couldn't be more than an hour surely. And then what of China?

F : China is also a nuclear weapon possessor.

M : Indeed, indeed. However South Korea and Japan are not.

F : Yes, I do understand that but, up until yesterday there were only seven nuclear possessing nations dear Mephisto.

M : And who, my dear colleague, were they?

F : Why, the answer to that is simple. They were the USA, the UK, Russia, China, Pakistan, India and France.

M : I fear you have miscalculated dear colleague. The DPRK were in fact the NINTH nation to acquire a nuclear weapon capability.

F : Then which nation is the eighth?

M : Israel.

F : Ah, yes, now I'm beginning to see. Would it be possible to launch a military attack on the DPRK?

M : An air attack and a naval blockade may be possible, a land attack would be absolutely impossible.

F : I see. And is there enough strategic and logistical military power to convene an air and sea attack?

M : I rather fear there is dear colleague.

F : Well, then, the answer seems obvious dear Mephisto.

M : Might I ask you to enlighten me as to the answer dear Faust, I, myself am more than a little stuck with this question.

F : Why, of course you might, dear Mephisto. The American public MUST be told about the weapon that could reach Alaska, and they must be told soon. Don't forget the mid-term elections are coming up and something needs to distract the electorate from Foley, Iraq and other such irrelevancies.

M : I see your idea dear Faust. But I wonder if the American public will swallow this one?

F : I bet you ten pounds they do dear colleague.

M : Make it twenty and you have yourself a gentleman's bet dear Faust, shall we shake on it?

F : Yes, let's. I am feeling rather thirsty now dear Mephisto, I shall put the kettle on. Earl Grey or Ty-Phoo, which would you prefer?

M : Ah, I shall leave the choice up to you my dear friend.

Mephisto discusses prisons with Faust

Mephisto : Have you ever been in prison dear Faust?

Faust : Why no, Mephisto, indeed I have not. Why do you ask?

M : I was wondering how you felt about 'restorative justice'?

F : I'm not entirely sure I am familiar with the term dear Mephisto. Does that mean that the burglars give the stolen items back to the burglees?

M : Ah, no, dear boy, I don't believe it does. Never mind. What do you think about the growing lack of space in British prisons? By the end of this week, there will be no places left you know.

F : Yes, so I have heard. Of course the answer is simple, we should build more prisons, many, many more prisons.

M : I see and how would this help?

F : They should be locked up, all of them. Lock them up and throw away the key is what I say dear colleague.

M : I see. What, in your estimation, is the point of prisons?

F : To keep villains away from decent society of course dear Mephisto.

M : I see. And what about the notion of rehabilitation, what do you think of that dear Faust?

F : I think it's a nice idea. But does it work?

M : To get back to my original point, dear colleague, what is the fundamental point of prisons? You seem to imply that they are there simply to appease the moral conscience of the masses, would that be a fair representation of your views?

F : I'm not sure. Perhaps you could expand a little further?

M : Why, of course, dear Faust, I should be delighted to. The point is that prisons really do not serve any particular purpose, they don't rehabilitate people and they certainly don't prevent re-offending and so, I ask again, what is the point of prisons?

F : Well, yes, then perhaps you have a point dear Mephisto. Prisons make me feel a little safer in my everyday life. Perhaps that is the main point of prisons?

M : I see. Yes, yes, I see. As I said then, the only point of prison is to appease the moral conscience of the marauding masses. This is something Durkheim grappled with you know, in the late 1800's and perhaps things have not really changed very much.

F : And your point is dear friend?

M : Well, I don't really have a point, dear colleague, I only ask again "what is the point of prisons?" and I fear we have no answer and yet you suggest we build more?

F : Ah, I see I may have been wrong my dear Mephisto. Perhaps I should think a little longer before discoursing with you further on this subject?

M : Indeed I think that would be best dear colleague.

F : I shall think it over whilst cooking the breakfast dear Mephisto, would you like bacon with your eggs?

M : Splendid dear Faust, yes, indeed I would.

Mephisto discusses White Rabbits with Faust (Afghanistan)

Faust : Dear Mephisto, I'm in a splendid mood today, what about you?

Mephisto : Same as usual dear boy, same as usual. But might I enquire why you are in such a good mood?

F : Indeed you might. My good mood has been brought about by Tony Blair stating that he is going to ensure the British troops in Afghanistan get the correct equipment . I am indeed feeling rather lighter than normal.

M : I see. I do admire your optimism Faust. What a wonderful gift that must be. Have you seen your psychiatrist recently by the way?

F : Why no. He signed me off once I was feeling more optimistic about things.

M : Things? I wonder if I might enquire as to what things you were feeling more optimistic about my dear friend?

F : Why, of course you might Mephisto, but I find these things very hard to articulate. I'm not the kind of man who smiles unecessarily or who has a wife who weeps.

M : I thought your wife was divorcing you?

F : Well, yes, she is, but her lacrimal glands are still in perfect working order I believe.

M : I see. Well, of course, my dear friend, I do understand. Not being prone to bursts of vulnerability myself, I can completely understand your point of view. So let us look at your opening statement, perhaps we could concentrate on why you are in such a positive frame of mind today?

F : Yes, I think that would be best. Why, of course, I'm feeling very happy that the troops will now be properly equipped. The only good war is a fair war, so they say.

M : Do they indeed? And who are they?

F : Mostly the Americans say this I must admit.

M : I see. Indeed, this is a good axiom. And do you believe it to be true?

F : Well, now you come to look at it, perhaps not, no. But the sentiment is ok I feel.

M : It certainly is, dear Mephisto, it certainly is. But it would now seem that we have established a truism that is, in fact, a lie?

F : I'm afraid my ability to lateral think was thwarted at Chapter three of De Bono's first book dear Mephisto, but I'll take your word for it as I know you have a much wider experience than I.

M : Indeed. So what of Tony Blair's committment to give the British troops 'whatever resources they need'?

F : Ah, now this is why I'm in such a good mood.

M : Why?

F : Because Mr Blair has given his word. Children may now lie easy in their beds and mothers may heave a sigh of relief that their sons and daughters will now get rough terrain-resistant torches and matches that strike even in the heaviest rain storm.

M : I see. And what of the military equipment. The helicopters might be a good example. Will they be getting more of them do you know dear Faust?

F : Well, I would imagine they would now get everything they need.

M : I have no idea why you would imagine this dearest Faust but I am happy that you feel so optimistic. Personally, I feel a little depressed today.

F : Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear that Mephisto, my dear colleague. Might I make so bold as to ask what is troubling you?

M : Why, of course, dear boy, of course. I am wondering where, exactly, Mr Blair plans to find this equipment he has promised to the British troops. After all, the armed services certainly don't have this equipment in their warehouses, of that I am quite sure. So, you see dear Faust, it seems as though Mr Blair has been more than a little previous with his statement. One cannot magic up a helicopter from thin air you know.

F : Ah, I see you are blighted by reality dear Mephisto. Perhaps a cup of Earl Grey tea would help to stabilise your mood?

M : Yes, I think that would be a splendid idea Faust dear boy. Could I also trouble you for a Garibaldi biscuit?

F : Why, of course you might dear colleague, here, have three...

White Rabbit

"And if you go chasing rabbits,

And you know you’re going to fall

Tell ’em a hookah smoking caterpillar,

Has given you the call.

To call Alice,

When she was just small.

When the men on the chessboard,

Get up and tell you where to go,

And you’ve just had some kind of mushroom,

And your mind is moving low.

Go ask Alice,

I think she’ll know.

When logic and proportion,

Have fallen slowly dead,

And the White Knight is talking backwards,

And the Red Queen’s off her head!

Remember what the Dormouse said.

Keep your head, Keep your head!"

© Grace Slick. 1965/1966

Mephisto discusses Jack Straw with Faust

Mephisto : Faust, my dear colleague, might I ask why you are wearing a salwar kameez today?

Faust : I find them rather comfortable.

M : I see. They are, however, intended for women.

F : Are they? Oh, I see.

M : Have you ever considered wearing a hijab dear Faust?

F : A hijab, no, I can't honestly say that I have. Why, dear Mephisto?

M : It just occurred to me this morning that you might. However, it would be important to remember that you should not wear it if you are visiting with your good friend Mr Jack Straw.

F : And why is that?

M : Ah, well, Mr Straw doesn't like the hijab. He believes it is discomfiting and creates a separation.

F : And on what premise does he base this belief?

M : I'm not sure there actually is a premise dear Faust. It is just his belief.

F : I see. And what expertise does he bring to this discussion?

M : Well, he has lots of Moslems in his constituency. I think that's it really.

F : I see. But what has the hijab got to do with anything?

M : Quite, dear Faust, quite.

F : Since we're on the subject, I do sometimes wish you'd put that toasting fork down when we're chatting.

M : Do you dear Faust, I hadn't realised. What have you against my toasting fork?

F : Well, it does look just a teeny bit threatening. Especially when you aim it in my direction whilst trying to make a point.

M : I see. In that case, dear Faust, I shall put it down immediately.

F : Why, thank you Mephisto.

M : Do you know why I agreed to put the fork down dear Faust?

F : Well, now you come to ask, no, not really. Why did you? Possibly because I asked you so politely?

M : Faust, Faust, my dear man, your politeness was lost on me and quite irrelevant.

F : Ah. Why then?

M : Because you were making a valid point. My toasting fork is rather dangerous and could possibly do some serious harm were I to fling my arms about whilst gesticulating.

F : I see. And how does this relate to Jack Straw and the hijab I wonder?

M : It doesn't really dear Faust, but since you have correlated the two, let me try to explain it to you.

F : Yes, I should be obliged if you would dear Mephisto.

M : My toasting fork is rather dangerous as I have said and it could be argued that it is not appropriate for me to carry it during my everyday business. Do you see?

F : Not really.

M : What damage could the hijab cause?

F : Well, none that I can see.

M : Precisely, dear Faust, precisely.

F : I see. And so why would Mr Straw ask anyone to remove it?

M : I think perhaps Mr Straw is considering leading his political party. It's just a consideration of course.

F : I see. But even so, why would the hijab have anything to do with it?

M : Now that, dear Faust, is an excellent question. There is something to be said for appealing to 'Essex man' you know.

F : What is 'Essex man'?

M : Ah. I see you are not familiar with the British electoral system. 'Essex man' is a quaint voting term, it represents the men and women who are undecided whom to vote for.

F : And this 'Essex man', he or she would vote for someone if they banned the hijab?

M : Well, to be fair dear Faust, I don't think Jack Straw has banned it, although he has today stated that he would like to do just that, but promised that he wouldn't legislate for it.

F : I'm so sorry dear Mephisto, you have really lost me with this discussion. I cannot see what wearing the hijab has to do with British voting patterns. Perhaps you would care to explain a little further so that I might endeavour to understand?

M : I fear I must not dear Faust. It is probably best left unsaid. But might I offer you a word of advice?

F : Why, of course you might dear Mephisto.

M : If you must wear a salwar kameez, perhaps you might consider a darker colour, the green doesn't really suit you.

F : Why, thank you Mephisto. I shall bear that in mind. Should I pop out to get the croissants for breakfast now?

M : An excellent idea dear Faust. I am feeling rather peckish. I shall open the orange juice.

Mephisto discusses conscience clauses with Faust

Mephisto : Faust, my dear boy, am I correct in thinking you were once a doctor?

Faust : Yes, dear Mephisto, I was indeed.

M : Ah, then, might I ask you a question?

F : Why, of course.

M : Did you ever refuse to carry out certain clinical duties on moral grounds?

F : Ah, dear Mephisto, I was not that kind of doctor but I do take your point of course.

M : I see. I feel that today we are very warm indeed, do you not feel the heat also?

F : Why yes, now you come to mention it, I do feel a little warm.

M : There are some doctors, you know, who refuse to carry out termination of pregnancies, they have even been known to refuse to offer advice on family planning.

F : Really? And why would they do this dear Mephisto?

M : Because they have moral objections.

F : Ah, I see. And this is legal?

M : Why yes dear colleague, it is more than legal, it is written into their contracts.

F : But, dear Mephisto, I am guessing that you are talking about the policeman refusing to guard the Israeli Embassy, surely the police are in a different position?

M : And why is that esteemed colleague?

F : Because their raison d'etre is to uphold law and order at all times.

M : And what of the racist officers who allow their feelings to become involved?

F : But surely, that is a different argument dear Mephisto.

M : I don't see why it is Faust, dear chap. Would it not have been so much better if they had asked their superiors for guidance?

F : Well, that would all depend on how racist their superiors were I suppose.

M : Indeed, dear friend, indeed. But, if I understand you correctly, you are saying that policemen and women do have feelings?

F : Why, of course they must. Mustn't they?

M : Yes, I imagine they have. But, still, irrespective of this, isn't it always better to brush certain things under the carpet whilst highlighting others?

F : I suppose that is the way it has always been dear Mephisto.

M : As it was then, so is it now?

F : In a word, yes.

M : That was eight words but I do take your point.

F : A cup of lavender tea dear Mephisto?

M : Yes, I am rather thirsty.

Mephisto and Faust talk about the European Union

Mephisto : My dear Faust, what do you think about the European Union?

Faust : Die Europaische Union? Na, was Meinst Du?

M : Well, I mean, do you have any particular opinion about it?

F : Rarely, but I quite like Romania.

M : Romania isn't in the EU.

F : Oh, perhaps I'm thinking of Poland then?

M : Possibly. Romania is the place which housed the Ceausescu's.

F : The Ceausescu's, were they the ones who stole the gold taps from the White House?

M : I believe so, but anyway, since they are no more and since Romania is not part of the EU, perhaps we could migrate to a more relevant discussion?

F : What do you think they did with the taps?

M : I really wouldn't know. What about Turkey?

F : Did they steal taps too?

M : I have no idea, but what about them joining the EU?

F : Didn't they invade someone once?

M : Most of Europe has that distinction dearest Faustus, could you be more specific?

F : No, it doesn't matter. Are they joining the EU then?

M : It would seem so.

F : I see. That'll please the Pope.

M : The Pope?

F : Never mind. Let's all join together, that's what I would like to say. By the way, could I exchange these Zloty for Euro please?

M : No, they aren't legal tender here dear Faust.

F : Ah, I see. But you'll take US Dollars I imagine?

M : Most gladly my dear friend, most gladly. It's all a matter of economics you know.

F : I do believe that is what Edward Heath also said.

M : Indeed. Is the cottage pie ready yet do you know?

F : Yes, I'm just looking for the oven gloves, perhaps you would pour the wine dear Mephisto.

M : Well, naturally, I shall do it immediately.

Mephisto discusses Kofie Annan with Faust

Mephisto : Faust, my dear friend, you know I went to see Mr Annan, our esteemed nobleman the other day?

Faust : Yes, and you didn't invite me along either which, I felt, was terribly rude of you.

M : Now, now Faust, come, come, your passport was more than a little out of date, remember?

F : I did ask you to renew it Mephisto.

M : Yes, so you did, and I did try but since you refused to hand over your credit card details to the airline and, as I recall, you also weren't too keen on giving your home address, it was all a little difficult.

F : You managed it for yourself though I see.

M : Well, yes, but I'm allowed to travel anywhere as I provide a service of importance to the community.

F : Why was I refused?

M : Well, dear Faust, it was really nothing to do with you, it was a little bit of in-fighting between the European Union and the American authorities. Nothing to worry about. Anyway, to get back to my meeting with the lovely Mr. Annan.

F : If you must.

M : I quite like this Ban Ki-Moon. He's a 'man we can do business with' I think.

F : I know that quote, could you possibly remind me where it comes from dear Mephisto?

M : Why, of course Faust my dear fellow, it was said by Mr R. Holbrooke when he was talking of Mr S. Milosevic. He changed his mind of course, but it was he who originally made the statement.

F : 'The ego has landed', is that him?

M : Yes, I do believe it is, dearest Faust. Anyway, back to Mr. Annan.

F : Hang on, whatever happened to Dick Holbrooke? Is he still learning how to spot powder kegs?

M : No, no, dear Faust, he's long since past that phase. He is now concentrating on pyrrhic victories all over the world.

F : I see.

M : Did you want to talk about Mr. Annan at all?

F : Not really, I'm quite hungry now, aren't you?

M : Well, now you come to mention it, yes, I am a bit.

F : I have some rather nice donuts in the kitchen, from Marks and Spencer. Shall we have them now?

M : Yes, let's. It would be a shame to let them spoil.

Mephisto speaks to Kofie Annan

Mephisto : Mr. Annan, how lovely to see you again.

Kofie Annan : You too Mr. Pheles

M : Mr. Annan, dear sir, I would like to ask you about your replacement.

KA : Yes, please do, go ahead.

M : Mr Ban Ki-Moon I believe his name is?

KA : Yes, although it's not officially decided yet of course.

M : Ahem, of course. Mr Ban Ki-Moon, isn't he the South Korean Foreign Affairs and Trade Minister presently?

KA : Yes, I believe he is.

M : I see. And have you accepted any of his gifts?

KA : Certainly not.

M : Ah, I see, but most of the security council members HAVE?

KA : That might be true, I couldn't possibly comment.

M : Yes, I see. The thing is, Mr Annan, the question I really want to ask, but, no, I fear I mustn't.

KA : Please ask whatever you would like to Mr Pheles.

M : Well, the other candidates, they don't have important governmental positions, right?

KA : I believe not.

M : And so they must pay for all of their own campaigning and travelling about to persaude people to vote for them, would that be an accurate comment my dear Mr. Annan.

KA : That's the way it usually works, yes.

M : I see. Indeed I see. But Mr Ban Ki-Moon, well, he's in a rather different position is he not? I mean to say, he can travel about the world under the guise of his governmental job, offering little, ahem, inducements and favours to anyone he takes a fancy to?

KA : I really couldn't comment on that.

M : So you've never been offered any little favours from him yourself?

KA : Certainly not, but then, it's not me he's trying to convince.

M : Yes, I see.

KA : Tea, Mr Pheles?

M : Oh, how lovely, yes please.