Mephisto discuss the NHS with Faust
M : Why, dear Faust, you have been away so long, where have you been?
F : Ah, I'm afraid that I've been incapacitated for several months dear colleague.
M : Oh dear. May I ask what has caused your incapacitation?
F : You may indeed Mephisto, you may indeed. I've been back to work. It was a miscalculation on my part I will now admit.
M : You have been working, once again, as a doctor, dear Faust?
F : I have indeed. I felt a temporary need to redeem my soul.
M : I see, I see. And did it work?
F : No.
M : Ah. Forgive me dear Faust, but haven't we had this discussion in the past? I feel fairly sure that we have.
F : Yes, indeed we have dear colleague. But I, as a mere mortal, find it hard to learn from my own mistakes, unlike your good self of course.
M : Indeed. Could I possibly ask you to explain it to me once again? If you wouldn't mind that is?
F : Naturally I shall be more than happy to explain it again dear Mephisto. But it may take a bit of time, could I ask you to move your toasting fork slightly to the left before I begin?
M : Certainly you may.
F : How kind, thank you. Now, dear colleague, do you understand the concept of the NHS or would you feel more comfortable if I explained it to you from the beginning?
M : Yes, perhaps that would be the best thing dear Faust, you must forgive me, I'm feeling a little slow this morning.
F : The NHS is a grand concept. It delivers treatment to the masses which is free 'at the point of delivery'.
M : Are they all having children then?
F : No, no, that's not the type of 'delivery' I meant. I meant 'delivery of treatment', any treatment. It's free you see, that's the whole point.
M : Ah, I see. Free? You mean no one actually pays for it?
F : Well, yes, they do pay but they're told that it's free.
M : I see and pray how is that accomplished. Is the money stolen from them?
F : In a way. It's called National Insurance. They all pay it. It pays for lots of services and the NHS is one of those services.
M : Mortals never cease to amaze me. Anyway, dear Faust, please do continue.
F : Well, when they want treatment they get it or, at least, that's the idea.
M : And in reality?
F : Well, in reality they wait for several months and then they get a letter apologising to them for the delay.
M : And do they mind?
F : I don't really think anyone cares if they mind dear colleague, that's not really the point.
M : Oh. But what of General Practitioners? Aren't they the available ones? The ones who pick up the dross? Ahem, I do apologise, I mean, aren't they the ones who see the mortals on a daily basis?
F : Yes, dear colleague, that's certainly the theory.
M : And the practice?
F : Well, people go along to see their GP's, whom they hold in especially high esteem, and then they get referred to specialists.
M : Do they hold GP's in high esteem?
F : No, I was lying. But they do get referred to specialists.
M : Ah, ok. May I ask a question dear Faust, just to avoid any confusion?
F : Why certainly you may dear colleague.
M : Let's say they want to be referred to an orthopaedic surgeon. How is that achieved? I only ask as my knee has been a bit painful of late.
F : I'm so sorry to hear that dear colleague, I will take a look at it a bit later for you. But, to return to your question. The GP fills out a form and sends it off and, seventeen months later, the Orthopod sends out an appointment.
M : Gosh, and do they wait 17 months?
F : Most of them.
M : But what happens if they can't walk or if they have something which requires urgent attention?
F : Well, if they can't walk that's their problem. If it's urgent then the GP can expedite it.
M : And does that speed things up?
F : Occasionally.
M : I must say dear Faust, it all seems most unsatisfactory. Are the medical staff happy with this arrangement?
F : Not really.
M : I see. And so what do they do about it?
F : Some leave and become drug smugglers in Peru whilst others write letters to the Health Secretary.
M : I see and does this improve things?
F : Well, I think the drug smuggling is quite lucrative...
M : And writing to the Health Secretary?
F : No, that's not very lucrative.
M : Indeed. But does it have any effect?
F : No.
M : But I thought doctors were essential to maintain the social fabric of a functioning society. I thought that without doctors, there was a risk that cohesive society would fall apart and the world would end up in a state of anomie?
F : Well, I'm not sure about that dear colleague. I think, perhaps, you over estimate the influence of doctors?
M : Very possibly dear Faust, very possibly. I was reading Jeremy Bentham last night and I discovered that ...
F : Mephisto, dear colleague, I hate to interrupt you but I'd prefer it if we could stay on the subject and not get involved in another discussion about which medical school has the stuffed body of Jeremy Bentham. You know how that makes us argue, you always say it's St Mary's whilst I KNOW that it's UCH. I'd prefer not to have to prove it to you by stealing him again.
M : Of course, of course. By the way, since you mention it, did you return him last time?
F : Naturally. But anyway, back to the NHS.
M : If we must.
F : I'm leaving. I've had it. Finito. Enough. That's it. I'm through.
M : Oh dear. And all this because you couldn't reduce your waiting list?
F : Ah, I see you understand more than you say dear colleague. No, it's not only the waiting list, although I will admit that I have miserably failed to hit my targets. It has more to do with a strange feeling which has come upon me in recent weeks.
M : A strange feeling dear Faust? What strange feeling is that?
F : I've decided that there's really not that much difference between what I did all those years ago and what I've been doing for the past few months.
M : I'm afraid I'm a little lost dear Faust. Could you, perchance, be a litte less cryptic?
F : I sold my soul to your master some years back if you remember correctly? I was trying to redeem myself by re-entering the NHS, remember?
M : Ah yes, indeed I do.
F : Well, on reflection I've decided that I'd rather be totally depraved and recalcitrant. Caring has got me nowhere. It doesn't build up my points, you see.
M : Points?
F : Yes, points dear colleague. Frankly, I hate most of my patients, I don't care one way or the other about them. Mostly, I just wish they'd go and bother someone else.
M : Do you?
F : Well, no, not really. But in this modern NHS it doesn't pay to care. It only pays to fulfill targets and hit budgeting plans. It only pays to prescribe pharmacy advisor-advised medication. It only pays to quietly put yourself into a sausage machine and pop out the other end with a new contract.
M : Ah, I see.
F : Indeed.
M : Dear Faust, I have some very nice angel cake here, from Marks and Spencer, could I interest you in a small piece?
F : Yes, that would be splendid dear colleague. Shall we have Earl Grey tea with that?
M : Yes, let's.
F : Ah, I'm afraid that I've been incapacitated for several months dear colleague.
M : Oh dear. May I ask what has caused your incapacitation?
F : You may indeed Mephisto, you may indeed. I've been back to work. It was a miscalculation on my part I will now admit.
M : You have been working, once again, as a doctor, dear Faust?
F : I have indeed. I felt a temporary need to redeem my soul.
M : I see, I see. And did it work?
F : No.
M : Ah. Forgive me dear Faust, but haven't we had this discussion in the past? I feel fairly sure that we have.
F : Yes, indeed we have dear colleague. But I, as a mere mortal, find it hard to learn from my own mistakes, unlike your good self of course.
M : Indeed. Could I possibly ask you to explain it to me once again? If you wouldn't mind that is?
F : Naturally I shall be more than happy to explain it again dear Mephisto. But it may take a bit of time, could I ask you to move your toasting fork slightly to the left before I begin?
M : Certainly you may.
F : How kind, thank you. Now, dear colleague, do you understand the concept of the NHS or would you feel more comfortable if I explained it to you from the beginning?
M : Yes, perhaps that would be the best thing dear Faust, you must forgive me, I'm feeling a little slow this morning.
F : The NHS is a grand concept. It delivers treatment to the masses which is free 'at the point of delivery'.
M : Are they all having children then?
F : No, no, that's not the type of 'delivery' I meant. I meant 'delivery of treatment', any treatment. It's free you see, that's the whole point.
M : Ah, I see. Free? You mean no one actually pays for it?
F : Well, yes, they do pay but they're told that it's free.
M : I see and pray how is that accomplished. Is the money stolen from them?
F : In a way. It's called National Insurance. They all pay it. It pays for lots of services and the NHS is one of those services.
M : Mortals never cease to amaze me. Anyway, dear Faust, please do continue.
F : Well, when they want treatment they get it or, at least, that's the idea.
M : And in reality?
F : Well, in reality they wait for several months and then they get a letter apologising to them for the delay.
M : And do they mind?
F : I don't really think anyone cares if they mind dear colleague, that's not really the point.
M : Oh. But what of General Practitioners? Aren't they the available ones? The ones who pick up the dross? Ahem, I do apologise, I mean, aren't they the ones who see the mortals on a daily basis?
F : Yes, dear colleague, that's certainly the theory.
M : And the practice?
F : Well, people go along to see their GP's, whom they hold in especially high esteem, and then they get referred to specialists.
M : Do they hold GP's in high esteem?
F : No, I was lying. But they do get referred to specialists.
M : Ah, ok. May I ask a question dear Faust, just to avoid any confusion?
F : Why certainly you may dear colleague.
M : Let's say they want to be referred to an orthopaedic surgeon. How is that achieved? I only ask as my knee has been a bit painful of late.
F : I'm so sorry to hear that dear colleague, I will take a look at it a bit later for you. But, to return to your question. The GP fills out a form and sends it off and, seventeen months later, the Orthopod sends out an appointment.
M : Gosh, and do they wait 17 months?
F : Most of them.
M : But what happens if they can't walk or if they have something which requires urgent attention?
F : Well, if they can't walk that's their problem. If it's urgent then the GP can expedite it.
M : And does that speed things up?
F : Occasionally.
M : I must say dear Faust, it all seems most unsatisfactory. Are the medical staff happy with this arrangement?
F : Not really.
M : I see. And so what do they do about it?
F : Some leave and become drug smugglers in Peru whilst others write letters to the Health Secretary.
M : I see and does this improve things?
F : Well, I think the drug smuggling is quite lucrative...
M : And writing to the Health Secretary?
F : No, that's not very lucrative.
M : Indeed. But does it have any effect?
F : No.
M : But I thought doctors were essential to maintain the social fabric of a functioning society. I thought that without doctors, there was a risk that cohesive society would fall apart and the world would end up in a state of anomie?
F : Well, I'm not sure about that dear colleague. I think, perhaps, you over estimate the influence of doctors?
M : Very possibly dear Faust, very possibly. I was reading Jeremy Bentham last night and I discovered that ...
F : Mephisto, dear colleague, I hate to interrupt you but I'd prefer it if we could stay on the subject and not get involved in another discussion about which medical school has the stuffed body of Jeremy Bentham. You know how that makes us argue, you always say it's St Mary's whilst I KNOW that it's UCH. I'd prefer not to have to prove it to you by stealing him again.
M : Of course, of course. By the way, since you mention it, did you return him last time?
F : Naturally. But anyway, back to the NHS.
M : If we must.
F : I'm leaving. I've had it. Finito. Enough. That's it. I'm through.
M : Oh dear. And all this because you couldn't reduce your waiting list?
F : Ah, I see you understand more than you say dear colleague. No, it's not only the waiting list, although I will admit that I have miserably failed to hit my targets. It has more to do with a strange feeling which has come upon me in recent weeks.
M : A strange feeling dear Faust? What strange feeling is that?
F : I've decided that there's really not that much difference between what I did all those years ago and what I've been doing for the past few months.
M : I'm afraid I'm a little lost dear Faust. Could you, perchance, be a litte less cryptic?
F : I sold my soul to your master some years back if you remember correctly? I was trying to redeem myself by re-entering the NHS, remember?
M : Ah yes, indeed I do.
F : Well, on reflection I've decided that I'd rather be totally depraved and recalcitrant. Caring has got me nowhere. It doesn't build up my points, you see.
M : Points?
F : Yes, points dear colleague. Frankly, I hate most of my patients, I don't care one way or the other about them. Mostly, I just wish they'd go and bother someone else.
M : Do you?
F : Well, no, not really. But in this modern NHS it doesn't pay to care. It only pays to fulfill targets and hit budgeting plans. It only pays to prescribe pharmacy advisor-advised medication. It only pays to quietly put yourself into a sausage machine and pop out the other end with a new contract.
M : Ah, I see.
F : Indeed.
M : Dear Faust, I have some very nice angel cake here, from Marks and Spencer, could I interest you in a small piece?
F : Yes, that would be splendid dear colleague. Shall we have Earl Grey tea with that?
M : Yes, let's.
posted by Mephisto at 5:30 AM
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